The TARDIS Diaries

Oooop, the homo sapiens have returned, lugging an unconscious Time Lord with them. Now they’re t—-! Now they—-! Gah! Now they’re pressing—! STOP PRESSING RANDOM BUTTONS! Just open my index and input—-! Search ‘regeneration’ and—! GOD! PUT HIM IN THE ZERO ROOM OR SOMETHING!

Aaaaand now we’ve been teleported onto the Sycorax ship. Congratuwelldone silly humans. It really irks me that lesser beings think they can just bundle me about like a… bundle. I mean, I guess I could have just overridden the teleport controls but… well, I’m just… far too lazy.

So they’ve all gone outside and its just me and Time Lordy.

And the dripping tea.

So now I’m waiting.

Waiting for the vapours.

Still waiting.

God this is the most ludicrous set of random chance.

Still waiting…

Still…
Waiting…

HE’S AWAKE!

OH GOD NO HE’S QUOTING THE LION KING. 

Humans are so small and strange. Don’t think I’ll ever understand.

So, the Doctor is currently filing under comatose, and they take him away somewhere to… I don’t know, help him? Rest him? Hopefully not eat him? Once again I’m left on my own to contemplate the great unanswered questions of the universe (like why Pluto is just a dog when Goofy walks and talks) and next thing I know there’s a giant Sycorax ship over London!

I mean… who put that there?!

New Doctor, new Doctor. Pah, seriously, I had real doubts whether I would like this new incarnation, he’s like a sack full of cats inside a bigger sack of dogs. But then, well, then he collapsed and it was kinda pathetic and sweet and… what? Look he’s not normally vulnerable. Its… I wanted to take care of him alright?

But then Rose and the other silly domestic Homo sapiens went and took him away. Damn them. I think they were trying to help though, either that or they wanted to sacrifice him to their god and eat him, but as far as I know the human race grew out of that by 2007. But I never really pay attention to the monkies.

Oh god, I hope they don’t eat him.

HE BLEEDING CRASHED ME!!

In to a bleeding WALL!

And another bleeding wall!

And a bleeding CAR!

And some bleeding dustbins!

CAN YOU TELL THAT I’M A LITTLE UPSET?!

JUST because I’m infinitely brilliant in every possible way does NOT mean he can treat me as the large lump of wood I’m disguised as! I have feelings! True, they may be somewhat distorted so’s I get a bit giggly every time I land in a forest, but feelings none the less!

SO. Things are a little screwed here. Eh… regeneration imminent. Always better to be in flight when that happens, less chance of the bugger wandering off. So away we go.

And DON’T YOU JUDGE ME FOR LEAVING JACK. You have no idea… the vortex. Him. He is so wrong. In all the very very wrong ways he can be. So very very wrong. And I’m leaving him. He’s a big boy. A big sexy, disturbingly wrong boy who can look after himself. Okay?

Jeez.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, new Doctor. He’s… he’s very much hyper active, talking about Barcelona or something? Can’t really concentrate as Rose’s face is far to funny. She looks like the universe just imploded or something. Time Lords all look the same to me, but I guess changing faces might be creepy. But still, he’s got the same psychic wave length, he’s still the same idiot.

Oh god… why did he just press that button??

What was he think– ah, ah, wait…

Oh dear… ah, ah!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Heres a fun fact.

You know the Doctor? The one who stole me, and loved me, and would be nothing with out me?

Yeah, he told Rose to just let me die… Thanks for that.

So was on Earth, happy to be whiling away my days with Tetris and Solitaire, but Noooooo! Rose had to be stubborn! Stubborn human with her stubborn face. Off she went and got a big giant chain and a big yellow truck and… well… opened me.

IT’S NOT AS DIRTY AS IT SOUNDS!

Not just because I let a puny human get the better of me, but because I kinda deliberately let her… That foolish Doctor isn’t going to get away with abandoning me. Its going to me and him vs the universe. It’ll always be me and him.

Okay, Bad Wolf you little pillok, here we go.

So, to kick things off cretinous Daleks try to kill me. Me! Me of all the things! ME! Then again, when you have a Tribophysical Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator attached to your systems, there’s nothing much that anyone can do to you. To summerise: I’m awesome.

Arrived in the Dalek ship, ONTOP of Rose (oh yeah, I’m that good) and they feebly attempt to shoot Doctor. Idiots. I’m awesome and I have a forcefield. Also I’m awesome.

But then everything went rubbish. Because Daleks are building a giant fleet, trying to create Time War 2. And Doctor does not deserve that. Not after everything. And I can’t help him. Cos he sent me away, back to Earth with Rose.

And here we are.

It’s hard to be awesome when you’ve lost your Time Lord.

Stuff be going down.

Someone temporal scooped Doctor, Jack and Rose away. I was like ‘huh?’, then I was like ‘what?’ then drifted about (cue hours of endless boredom and many a Tetris game) until someone put me in a storage room. Again.

Insufficient data at this point, but next thing I know, they’re back, Rose isn’t, and something funky is going on. I learn Daleks are still at large. Momentarily worried Doctor may go and lock himself in bathroom again, but obviously situation is a little more serious than that.

And off we go to get Rose back. Daleks vs us. Just like old times I suppose.

I hate old times.

Just got shouted at when chocolate room was discovered empty. 

Stupid lousy Time Lord git. Can’t he learn to control cravings?

Now we are marooned in space while Jack tries to persuade him to get out of bathroom.

Life is currently not that bad.

Was briefly kicked by Doctor when he woke up with severe back ache, but it’s hardly my fault if he must be so arrogant and take credit for everything.

More importantly, Captain Jack is travelling with us. On comparing him to weasel-boy… well, there is no comparison. He gets on well with Rose and Doctor, and is clever which makes a nice change, doesn’t go fainting every time he’s taken somewhere slightly out of him comfort zone, and he’s got a face which I think is a very important detail. I know lots of people have faces, in fact ALL people have faces, but his face is just-

Oh god. I’m fangirling aren’t I? This is what this is. Damn it.

The best thing is he spends a lot of time fixing me. Is like getting sensual massage from very attractive masseuse…